Thoughts Before a Cross
by Sempai Sunny
Summary: songfic. Major Wolfwood Spoilers. If you haven't seen episode 23, don't read. Wolfwood contemplate what he's done with his life. R


Wolfwood is one of the two people I affectionately call my "bishies". He's a good man under that whole "Thou shalt not kill, but I do anyway," thing. He even belongs to the most well-planned organization of hit-men (and -woman; don't forget Dominique), and he has an orphanage.

I was thinking about episode twenty-three, and the song "Youth of a Nation" came on the radio. And you can guess where the inspiration came from.

Eh, the first bit's about Wolfwood, and then he thinks of his precious orphans for a bit, then back to Mr. Priest for a few more lamentations.

I don't own Trigun or "Youth of a Nation," by POD. (Oh, god, there's a death factor in everything here…the Wolfie spoiler, Payable on Death, the song…augh!) I've included my nice, yummy, Wolfwood spoiler. I'm warning you, if you haven't seen episode 23, you better go back and find some other story. I do not want people telling me I've ruined it for them!

****

**Thoughts Before the Cross**

            I staggered into the church. How is it, in all my years of being God's servant, I had never actually made a confession?

_*Last day of the rest of my life_

_I wish I woulda known_

_'Cause __I'da__ kissed_

_My mama good-bye*_

            I realized I didn't tell Milly good-bye. I just ran out, ordering her to wait for me to come back. She was going to be waiting an awful long time. I didn't even tell her I loved her. I hope she knew.

*_Didn't tell her_

_That I loved her_

_How much I care_

_Thank my pops_

_For all the talks_

_All the wisdom_

_He shared*_

_            Why hadn't I understood Vash sooner? There must be a way in everything, to let everyone live, even if it isn't obvious at first._

            At least I saved him before Caine blew his brains out with a well place sniper shot. I knew it was coming, so I guarded him.

_*I just did the same thing_

_That I always do_

_Every day the same routine_

_Before I skate off to school_

_But who knew this day_

_Wasn't like the rest_

_Instead of taking the test_

_I took two to the chest*_

            Even though Vash was right, and I did let Chapel live, I wish I'd have killed him. Then I wouldn't have to leave everyone like this. I had left a trail of blood. I wondered if Vash had noticed it when I left him, after telling him where Knives was.

            "How do you know about Knives?"

            Oh, Vash, I know so many things that you'll never know.

_*Call me blind_

_But I didn't see it coming_

_Everybody was running_

_But I couldn't hear nothing_

_Except gun blasts_

_It happened so fast_

_Didn't really know this kid_

_Was the bottom of the class*_

            I also wondered if Milly even had some vague idea that I wouldn't be coming back to her. Last night was so perfect, even though it was much to short. All of my insecurities flew away for a few hours of passion. I'm sure hers did as well.

            And, what about Meryl? I never really felt anything for her as I did for Milly or Vash. She would probably spend her time trying to cheer Milly up, being the strong and loud leader, as usual.

_*Maybe this kid_

_Was reaching out for love_

_Or maybe for a moment_

_He forgot who he was_

_Or maybe this kid_

_Just wanted to be hugged*_

            I picked up my first gun at seven, and shot. I remember it being surprisingly easy to pull the trigger.

            It silenced my guardian, at least. He didn't care about me, made me forget that I was Nicholas D. Wolfwood. I never got any attention at all from him. He was, as Knives would have aptly put it, garbage.

_*Whatever it was_

_I know it's because*_

            I couldn't die. Not just because of Meryl, Vash, and Milly, but my orphans. I was out here making money for them! I needed to live, to support them. What kind of a person starts an orphanage, then dies while funding it?

            A rotten person, that's what. And that's what I was.

_*We are, we are_

_The youth of a nation_

_We are, we are_

_The youth of a nation_

_Little Suzy, she was only twelve_

_She was given the world_

_With every chance to excel_

_She'd hear the boys_

_Hear the stories they tell_

_She might act kinda proper_

_But no respect for herself*_

            I took them all. The abused, the unloved. Some, like Neil, I didn't want to take them. But, I just didn't want kids to grow up like I did, to grow up and be just like me.

            "Play with us, Mr. Wolfwood!"

_*She finds love_

_In all the wrong places_

_The same situations_

_Just different faces_

_Been this way_

_Since her daddy left her_

_Too bad he never told her_

_She deserved much better*_

            I wondered about all the children who weren't real orphans, but runaways, that I had taken in. I'd even found one girl whose parents were alive, but the life she was leading was horrible. 

            Then, there were the head cases, the depressed ones, who worried me the most. They were the ones I really didn't want, though, I took anyway. They needed me, and I liked feeling needed.

_*Little __Johnny__ boy always_

_Played the fool_

_Broke all the rules_

_So you would think he was cool_

_He was never really_

_One of the guys_

_No matter how hard he tried_

_To hide the thought of suicide_

_It's kinda hard_

_When you ain't got no friends_

_He put his life to an end_

_They might remember him then_

_He crossed the line_

_And there's no turning back_

_Told the world how he felt_

_With the sound of a gad*_

            Something I admired about Vash was his stance on suicide. He clearly didn't approve.

            There were so many times I considered it, but stopped, because Knives would have just tortured me posthumously. My soul would have been tortured. Besides, the big guy himself doesn't approve either.

            "Believers will be redeemed in the end."

            I stopped thinking about the orphans. They were making me feel guilty, worse than before. This hurt so badly.

_*We are, we are_

_The youth of a nation_

_We are, we are_

_The youth of a nation_

_We are, we are_

_The youth of a nation_

_We are, we are_

_The youth of a nation*_

            I'd be forgotten in a year or so. Just a face pushed back in the memories of those whom I loved and held in the highest respect.

            Another reason I really couldn't kill Vash, no matter what Knives wanted. I respected him too much. All my talk just veiled the fact that this may have been the closest thing to a family I'd ever had, or ever would have.

_*Who's to blame_

_For the life tragedies claim_

_No matter what they say_

_It don't take away the pain*_

            I needed my Eden, with the orphans, Meryl, Vash, and Milly. Oh, my Eden would be perfect just with Milly there, and no one else. I had never loved anyone so much in my life.

            All this time, I had been talking, confessing, and none of the words I said I could hear within me. I was playing it by ear.

_*That I_

_Feel inside_

_I'm tired of all the lies_

_Don't nobody__ know why_

_It's the blind_

_Leading the blind*_

            I lied so much, my sins so heavy. I never got to say all the things I wanted to. I needed more time.

_*That's the way_

_That the story goes_

_If it makes sense_

_Somebody's gotta know_

_There's got to be_

_More to life than this_

_There's got to be_

_More to everything_

_I thought exists*_

            "I did not want to die this way!" I yelled, heaving my last breaths.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don't flame me if I messed up the words. I just put in what made sense. And, I didn't finish it, I know. But, it's just repeating the chorus a zillion times until the end.

Ecaep dna evol, Sunny.


End file.
